were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
