So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
