i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
