Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
why do cheetos always look like penises
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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