Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
