I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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