I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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