He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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