dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
being pregnant is like rehab
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
