The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
