nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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