i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
