final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
