you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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