mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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