my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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