Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
