I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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