Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
