I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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