I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
