Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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