So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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