"it" just moved
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i came on her dog
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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