Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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