"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
