I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
