I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
