I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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