k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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