Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
