I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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