Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize