a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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