I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
