Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You are the jesus of drinking
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
