He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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