She's JV to your varsity
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
