I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
