Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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