I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
