every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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