I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
