John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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