Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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