Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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