He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
