wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
