I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
