Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
