I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
