we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
