Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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