My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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