Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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