I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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