She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize