My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
