I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
